January 15, 2011
Marwencol Showtimes At The Uptown
Sharks Are Fuckheads
You heard me. Sharks are fucking pricks. You want to know why? I bet you do. You’re all “Oh, but Judas, you’re a douche and sharks are great they are this big and they can sing songs and waaahhh” and I don’t give a fuck. I am so far gone as a loser and gamer that I judge everything based on an imaginary criteria drawn from gaming knowledge, and sharks fucking fail the test.
The one simple reason is that sharks cheat. Cheaters are no-skill fucks who shouldn’t be playing video games. You know what I mean – maybe on your second run you use noclip mode to skip a really long level. Cool, man, you already fought your way through there once, that’s fine. But some cheats are unforgivable.
I want you to think hard about sharks for a second, and trust that I am indeed going somewhere. Look at this picture. What do you see?
If you said “teeth”, we are 100% on the same page. And what do we know about shark teeth? That they never fucking stop growing in?
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, the defendant is a fucking cheater. Sharks have infinite ammo.
Infinite ammo has always been the weakest cheat, in my eyes. Noclip is fun and neat because you can find new areas you never knew existed (remember Carmack’s head behind the last boss in Doom II?). God Mode is even acceptable because maybe you’re just… I don’t know, a fucking sissy. But nothing is as lame as infinite ammo.
Rationing isn’t hard. Accuracy isn’t hard. Grow a fucking pair,start using your ammo to greater effect and stop fucking sucking.
Now, on a different note, you know which animal is totally badass? Motherfucking octopus.
oh hay sup just being a master of camouflage
To contact the author of this post: mark.armstrong@wildgunmen.com
While sharks may be the fuckheads of the animal kingdom they must be admired for their tanacity for survival. Along with scorpions and alligators as well as other remnants of our arcane archaeological past, sharks must not be denied their inescapable fate to live for an eternity. Would you not be pissed off if you knew that your species would continue to eviscerate and emasculate all that came before it? I know I would be and I would use that rage to make a statement – complete annihilation! *fatality*