Bitches On The C-Train: Shit Is Going Down

Posted in Internets by Janx, April 23, 2010 at 5:40 pm | 6,215 views, 30 comments

About a month ago I needed to go to Bed, Bath and Beyond in the NW to buy gay shit for my bathroom. I decided to take our city’s lovely public transit system to get there.

I jumped on a C-Train near 7th street downtown and off I went. It was roughly 5:30 p.m. and the train was packed. I stood at the little open area near the doors at the front of the compartment.

There was a bald East-Indian man, a dude in a suit and two young Asian girls in this area with me.

A couple stops later a dude in our compartment starting talking on his phone. Not just talking though, mother-fucker was borderline yelling. He was also enunciating every fucking word as though the person on the other end of the line was his slightly handicapped son who needed careful instructions on how to make hot-soup or some shit. “NOO. MAKE. SUUURE. YOUU. DON’T. BUURN. YOUURESELF.”

Anyways, I always find people who do this on public transit hilarious. Our compartment was dead silent, nobody was talking to anyone else. All that could be heard was this dude talking in the loudest voice possible into his cellphone.

I looked to the dude in the suit near me and made some remark about how loudly the guy was talking. He responded by giving me that insecure nod/smile you give to people when you don’t want to talk to them but telling them to fuck off isn’t an option either.

I then turned to the two Asian girls and gave them a little smile. The one immediately turned to the other and starting speaking in Japanese to her.

Now, here’s the bonus! I speak Japanese! Well, sort of. I mean, I lived in Japan for just over a year working for a publishing company so I can make it out pretty well. I’m by no means fluent though.

Anyways, I was just about to strike up a half-assed broken Japanese conversation with the girls when I started to piece together what they were saying.

It went a little something like this:

Bitch 1 – “Why is he smiling at us?”

Bitch 2 – “I don’t know.”

Bitch 1 – “What did he say to that guy?”

Bitch 2 – “Something about how loud the man on his phone is.”

Bitch 1 – “Oh really… he looks kind of stupid.”

Now, I seriously spent endless amounts of time in Japan listening to people talk shit about me. The whole time assuming I can’t understand what they are saying of course.

For the most part, it was simply shit like: “He’s tall.” “Oh look a foreigner!” “He looks tired.” “Why is he sweating so much?” “I wonder if he can understand us?”

But, never once have I ever heard anyone say I looked “kind of stupid”. I mean, seriously, what the fuck?

I may look skinny. I may look like a pedophile at times. I may even look pale to the point of appearing sick… but I’m pretty sure I don’t look fucking stupid. (Here’s where someone mentions the picture of me in my underwear in the Hot Tub Time Machine Review)

Anyways, I figured I’d just ignore the young girls dick-to-the-face comment. Why? Because I was going to be the bigger person!

At least I thought I was.

Also, I wasn’t about to get into an argument with them in Japanese. I mean, for one, my Japanese isn’t that good and for two, if I tried to do that I would likely look even stupider, causing the bitch to high-five her best friend right then and there on stereotyping me so well with her first comment, so ya, I basically said fuck it.

We continued on up the C-Train line. The loud man talking on his phone eventually decided he would call his handicapped son back after he got off the train, the Japanese girls giggled about some other person on the train and the business dude next to me started to speak French to himself.

Oh shit! Guess what? I can speak French too!

Now, don’t for a second think I’m some educated, high-society jackass who goes to house parties in a sweater vest and tells girls in French how pretty they are… I mean, shit, thinking about it now, I don’t know why I don’t do that shit… I just don’t. It’s really just by chance I grew up to a French Canadian Mother and was lucky enough to pick up the language quite fluently while growing up.

Anyways, I turn to the business man and start talking to him in French.

Simple, every day conversation-like shit, “Ca vas?” “T’est Quebecois?” “Ques que tu fais ici en Calgary?”

Shit most Canadians who took French 12 could likely follow.

As I’m conversing with this dude though, guess who decides to start up again about ol’ stupid.

That’s right, the little Japanese bitches.

Bitch 1 – “Why is he talking in another language?”

Bitch 2 – “I don’t know.”

Bitch 1 – “What language is it?”

Bitch 2 – “I think it’s French.”

Bitch 1 – “Maybe he thinks he’s cool talking in French.”

Bitch 2 – “Maybe.”

Bitch 1 – “He still looks stupid.”

I didn’t know what to do… I mean, fuck. I had to do something. I was being verbally ass-raped by two 15 year-old Japanese girls for Christ’s sake. I turned slightly towards them and tried giving them that “I know your talking shit bout me” look to try and prevent any further verbal rape.

No dice, they continued on:

Bitch 1 – “Do you think he understands us?“

Bitch 2 – “I don’t think so.”

Bitch 1 – “Maybe he wants to ask us on a date?”

Bitch 2 – “Ewww gross!”

Bitch 1 – “Gross right? What a stupid weirdo.”

… I remained calm. I stood there in silence, soaking up all their words and giggles and looks. Processing just how much of a gross, stupid weirdo I was. I started to shake, nearly frothing at the mouth, too mad to speak or do anything. My teeth clenched.

I was seriously resisting an urge to turn around and start bitch slapping the two of them. I had almost convinced myself that being arrested for racial discrimination and assault might have been worth it.

No, that wouldn’t be a good option… but I had to do something. I fucking had to do something! My stop was coming up and I figured fuck it, I might as well go out with a bang.

The C-Train came to a slow halt, the French business man in-front of me pushed the little green button, opened the door and exited with a few others.

I took a step towards the exit, paused, turned right around, looked directly at the two Japanese girls and said:

“Ne, Nihongo ha muzukashi dane?”

Which translates to: “Hey, Japanese is difficult to understand isn’t it?”

Their jaws dropped.

I then stepped off the train. Just as the doors tried to close I turned around once more, stopped them from closing with my hand, propped them open and proceeded to explode the biggest middle finger in existence directly at the two of them as I practically yelled:

“DIE YOU FUCKING LITTLE BITCHES!@!!”

I let the door close, hissed at them through the windows like a weird snake or something… and then walked away. All that could be heard from inside the train cart as it continued on down the line was a gigantic “EEEEEEeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!”

… which is basically the Japanese equivalent of “Holy fuck!!!!”

… I walked away a hero in my own mind that night, and I likely silenced those little bitches from any future bitch commentary on the C-Train.

I may have also spat at them in my rage, I honestly can’t really remember. I think I did though. I’m like 80% sure I did.

Anyways fellow Calgarians, if you see two young Japanese girls on the C-Train and they are not saying anything at all to anyone. Just remember to give a little thank you to good ol’ Janx and his slightly psychotic behaviour.

To contact the author of this post: patrick.gall@wildgunmen.com