Danny Trejo has been in over 200 movies, if what I remember is right, and it seems that only now he has the main lead, in the retro Mexploitation film, Machete.
Before I tell you about Machete, let me tell you about Mr. Trejo. Until 1985, he had no acting ambitions at all. He was mainly thinking of becoming a boxer, but a lifetime of petty crimes and heroin abuse resulted in a prison sentence in San Quentin. He got clean after enrolling in a twelve step program, and after speaking at a recovery meeting, met a guy in the movie business and from there started his career at the age of 41, as one of ‘those guys.’ You know, ‘those guys,’ those actors you see in damn near everything but you don’t know the name of. Like Clancy Brown or Ron Perlman, early on. And like Ron Perlman, over time, Danny Trejo became known as Danny Trejo. Only took 25 years…
Now, Machete follows Trejo as a guy with, according to one point, the real first name of Machete. This is also his codename, which seems incredibly ineffective, as it is not a common name anywhere for anybody. Machete had a codename because he used to be a federale, described as being CIA, FBI, and something else I’ve forgotten, all rolled into one. Once the movie gets going, he’s a day laborer in Texas until he’s hired as an assassin. And so begins a stupid story of double crosses, crazy violence, and maybe 6 lines from Trejo. Oh, also, despite having the face of a burn victim who got into a knife fight, every woman NEEDS Trejo. But he is a gentleman, and would never take advantage.
The cast is fairly star studded for another of the new spate of grindhouse movies. De Niro, Jeff Fahey, Jessica Alba, Cheech Marin, they’re all here. And so is Lindsay Lohan, who ‘plays’ a drug addicted whore. De Niro was pretty entertaining, but even he was basically shit in this movie. This isn’t a movie to watch to enjoy the work of the actors though, it’s more of something to watch little ‘dramatic’ scenes between bouts of crazy violence. Everything in between the cutting and killing is unbelievable and retarded, and the violence is brutal to the point of slapstick. A perfect example was swinging from one floor of a hospital to the one below it on a goon’s intestines. Speaking of goons though, there is one scene where a group of them have a rather self-aware conversation as to the job of gooning and how Machete really wouldn’t have anything to do with them if they weren’t guarding someone who’s evil. It was pretty funny, especially after the attack (with gardening equipment, because remember, Machete is Mexican) that followed.
Theatre: No, and that this got a theatrical release confuses me. I’ll be more confused when Hobo With a Shotgun gets the same treatment.
Buy: The movie is bad in a way that’s good, but you’d need to be a big fan of the new shithouse, I mean grindhouse, movies, or a big fan of Trejo.
Rent: Sure, taking into account the lack of story and the previous said about buying this.
Download: I don’t think you’d want to waste the space.
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