Nicolas Cage’s latest film, Season of the Witch, has been tentatively declared his worst film yet and this may have been obvious by looking at his hair.
I saw Season of the Witch a few weeks ago in theatres, having been tricked by the trailers and my own hope for old school Nic Cage. In the movie, Cage, alongside Ron Perlman, are derelict Crusaders given a final mission for the church; transport a suspected witch to a monastery and have her exorcised, or cured, or blessed or…something. What caused the abandoning of killing Muslims, you ask? Cage ended up killing a woman, impossible for her to have been his first, and has a change of heart. Perlman joins him seemingly just because.
This may have also been the fact that they were apparently also the only American Crusaders. This isn’t really a necessary statement; it’s just confusing, because later on, a British actor acts like he too is American, so either the choice to keep their own accents wasn’t their own, or they just demanded that they be in the company of another (faux) American, one who is a scumbag. In any case, Perlman and Cage get hustled and blackmailed into transporting a young attractive lady in a cage with a shady priest, a German guy, the previously mentioned scumbag, and the immortal Irish kid from the British show Misfits, which you all should watch.
From the moment the movie shows the Crusades happening in the same place where it snowed that one time, every moment is nothing but disappointment. The effects are terrible, the acting is terrible, and the jokes are terrible. Never before have I seen a joke fall as amazingly flat as every single joke in this movie; usually one person snickers, but not one person in the packed theatre vocalized any amusement. Watching it, I couldn’t stop trying to equate the success of Cage’s movies with his hair.
In recent years, Cage has done almost nothing but garbage. Lately, you can almost determine how good it’ll be by the length of his hair. Bangkok Dangerous, Next, and The Sorcerer’s Apprentice are the ones that come to mind. These are all fairly bad, the last being the least, but looking at his other recent films, my theory? Immediately disproved, because of Ghost Rider, Wicker Man, and Knowing. Honestly, I really wish I was right, because he will still occasionally do an awesome movie. Actually, thinking about it, other than Con Air, I don’t think he’s ever done a good movie when he’s had long hair. He’s made good movies with short hair, none with long hair. Well, hot shit, my theory has SOME truth to it; short hair means the movie might be good, long hair means that it won’t be good.
It’s not often I put any videos or links or anything in these, but this one kind of needs it. Why? Because. First, here is more or less the same movie except done well: http://trailers.apple.com/trailers/magnolia/blackdeath/
And here is a good example of Nic Cage’s movie selection: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eExfV_xKaiM
Rent: For shock value, maybe, but mostly, no.
Download: Definitely not.
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